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Discipline

How do I assess a potential nanny's discipline "style"?

How is discipline handled between your nanny and child/children?

Should I direct my nanny to spank my child if he's bad?

How do I assess a potential Nanny's discipline "style"?

Ask her during the interview what she thinks about spanking, time-outs, redirection etc. and listen to her views on each. Do not offer your own opinions or she may just fall in line with what you are saying and you won't get an honest look at her views. Offer her real life scenario's and let her tell you how she would handle them i.e. what would she do if your daughter won't pick up her toys or if your son has a temper tantrum in the middle of K-mart. If her answers are similar to the way you would handle things, she may be in line with your way of thinking.

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How should discipline be handled between your nanny and child/children?

First of all, it is very important that Nanny and Parent present a united front. Just as it is critical that parents present a united front when disciplining is concerned. If there is disparity in techniques the child will become confused and will learn to use one caregiver against the other. The parent must examine his or her beliefs when it comes to discipline. This really should be done before interviewing begins and discussed with your prospects before a Nanny is hired. After your Nanny has started you can continue to encourage the discussion of discipline in your weekly meetings or by asking your Nanny to keep a daily log. She can use this to record how many times Johnny had a time out or he had a tantrum and she needed to ignore him (practicing "extinction" techniques). It helps if you as a parent read up on different discipline techniques, even attend a class on the subject with your Nanny perhaps. I was amazed at how much I learned when I started to do the research for this page.

As an educator, I instruct nannies on three types of discipline; redirection, problem solving, and time out. It is good to have several methods because each child and situation is different. For very young children (crawlers to toddlers) redirecting the child (over and over again) to a different toy or more appropriate situation seems to work the best. Problem solving works better with older children who have developed a sense of reasoning (Since your mom wants the play room picked up before we go to the park, what do you think we should do?). Time out is used mostly when a child's violent behavior needs to be stopped immediately to prevent him/her from endangering others, him or herself, or the environment. As I said before, different methods work for different children.

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Should I direct my nanny to spank my child if he's bad ?

Spanking should never be a form of punishment used by a Nanny. Nannies should never agree to this kind of punishment technique even if the parents desire it. The Nanny would be putting herself in great risk for prosecution. As a parent, it is your prerogative to choose a style of discipline that works for you but keep in mind that your idea of the appropriate intensity and frequency of hitting and your Nanny's idea may be very different.

Furthermore the following quote addresses the average effect of using spanking as punishment.

"Since 1997 five studies have used the amount of misbehavior that led to the corporal punishment as the baseline. These studies then reexamined children after a year, two years, or five years to determine if things had stayed the same, changed for the better, or gotten worse. My own study, and all others, found that, on average, the behavior of the children of parents who spanked got worse. Of course some spanked children improved and some whose parents used other modes of discipline got worse. But on the average, spanking boomeranged. These studies are especially important because all were based on large and representative samples of families, and all took into account many other factors that affect the behavior of children, such as the education level of the parents, and whether the parents were also emotionally warm and supportive.

Yes, spanking teaches a lesson. Unfortunately, there is also a hidden curriculum. It is the teaching of violence. If we want a less violent society, one of the many steps is to stop bringing up children by the violent methods that go under the euphemism of spanking." By Murray Straus, Ph.D.
University of New Hampshire Family Research Laboratory

Here Are Some Alternative Positive Techniques to Discourage Bad Behavior

Provide regular positive attention or "special time". This doesn't have to be a special outing it can just be cuddling up with a book.

Listen carefully to children and help them use words to express feelings. If your child is angry, help him find words to express this rather than hitting or sticking out his tongue.

Whenever appropriate, provide children with the chance to make choices.

Frequently praise desired behavior. Ignore trivial misdeeds.

Be a model of orderly, predictable behavior and respectful communication.

Be clear and consistent about what is acceptable behavior in your home.

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How important is consistency?

A Nanny's view: Since having a nanny was new to them and the girls, the parents would allow me to come up with the game plan and they would follow. I am very stern with the girls when it comes to doing something they are not supposed to. They know what the limits are and rarely pass them. I am lucky in that fact, but there are times when one of the girls must have a time out in her room (thinking time, as we put it) and times when the younger one's toys have a time out (she can't play with them). I also make it a point to explain to the girls what it is that was wrong and how we can go about it the next time it may begin to happen. That way they know, rather than just knowing they did something and got in trouble. Mom and dad have been great going along with it. Pretty much, what I say, goes. If I have told one of them that she cannot play with friends because she lied about who's house she was going to, and then when Mom comes home, she asks to go, Mom will ask me about it and I will explain. Then Mom's response is the same as mine. Bottom line is be consistent and in "kid terms" let them know why what they did was wrong.

A Parent's View: This is usually a topic of our periodic meetings to ensure that we are disciplining my son consistently. It's also one of the topics I discuss during an interview to see if the nanny's views are consistent with ours. I present discipline as part of the nanny's or au pair's responsibility in helping our son grow up to be a well adjusted, independent adult. I have given our nannies and au pairs books to read that are consistent with our discipline philosophy.

Here are some informative Links on the topic of Discipline:

Families and Discipline of Young Children

Take a Discipline Poll and read more on Solving Discipline Problems

ABC's of Parenting: Links on Discipline

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