 Parenting
Power in the Early Years
by
Brenda Nixon
Order
the Book
Soothe Separation Anxiety
by Brenda Nixon
At about eight to ten months of age, your baby may start a
painful stage of development. These past months he has become
increasingly attached to you as you’ve met his needs on a
regular basis. Now when you leave him at daycare or with
Grandpa and Grandma, he suddenly starts crying. Big tears
roll down his chubby cheeks, and his lower lip rolls out
and quivers. You sense he feels anxious, and that parental
instinct kicks in. You reach out to take him back in your
arms and with comforting words whisper that you are near.
He calms as you wipe away the tears. Then he turns back
into the happy boy you know. You hand him over to the other
pair of arms and he winds up again like a siren.
This is called separation anxiety. There’s good and bad news
about it. First, the good news is that you’ve done nothing wrong.
If you’re employed outside the home and leave your baby in the
arms of another, you are not making it worse or better.
If you are a stay-at-home parent you are not making it worse
or better. It is a stage of development as natural as learning
to walk.
Actually, your child is experiencing a burst of development in
two areas. Your little one is experiencing more long-term memory, or what experts call cognitive growth. What was once “out of
sight out of mind” is now out of sight and still in mind. The thought of your leaving his sight is causing him grief. He is
quite sensitive now to the comings and goings of the important
people in his life.
His is also progressing in his social skills. While he needs you,
he also wants to separate from you. This inner conflict of
dependence versus independence and learning to separate can be quite troubling.
The bad news is that separation anxiety has to take its sweet
time to blossom, wither, and pass away. Then it may bloom again when he’s three or even a kindergartner. If it does return,
come back to this section of my book and read it again.
Right now you can help your baby learn to cope with separation.
Play games in which you hide a toy under a blanket then find it
together, or play peekaboo often. Both these games teach your baby that his world is predictable and safe. These simple social
activities have more value than just entertainment.
Next tell yourself that separation anxiety is natural, and your
response will make it worse or better. The best way to soothe
the pain of separation anxiety is to confront it. Give your baby
a reassuring hug and kiss before you hand him over to your caregiver. Then say, “I will be back,” turn, and leave. Some daycares have
a “good-bye window” where parent and child may stand to wave to one another.
If you linger, you send a message that you’re unsure about your
child’s ability to cope with separation. He will cope with time
and opportunity. Hippocrates said, “Healing is a matter of time,
but it is sometimes also a matter of opportunity.”
If you sneak out, you give the impression that you are not a
predictable parent. If you make statements like, “You shouldn’t cry,” you disrespect his sadness. And if, within minutes, you rush in to
rescue, he learns to cry until you return. Any of these responses will sabotage efforts to help your child mature.
One of my daughters expressed her anxiety more passionately than the other. When she cried I went to war within myself; my head
said that she’s be find, but my heart screamed, “Go get her!”
It is skillful parenting to understand that while separation
anxiety is difficult, it is a part of growing and learning to
handle new feelings. Your baby is remarkably resilient; with
your respect and care, he will learn to cope with loses.
Now that’s a valuable life skill!
____________________
Copyright 2001, Brenda Nixon, from her book Parenting Power in the Early Years. For more helpful childcare tips visit Brenda's website at:
Brenda Nixon is a professional speaker and author of Parenting Power in the Early Years
Email: speaker2parents@juno.com
Order
the Book
|
