THE NANNY BOOK By Susan Carlton and Coco Myers HOW'S IT GOING? A strong indication that everything's on the right track: You can't imagine how you'd get along without your nanny for
one week, let alone the next year. Other clues: You wax rapturous about her to your friends, start every sentence
about her with "we're so lucky," and - the real test - you wouldn't think twice about leaving your kid in her
care if you were to go away for any length of time. If, on the other hand, you often find yourself fantasizing about the
"perfect" nanny, or begin coveting your friends' sitters or reminiscing about your ex, it may be time to sit back, assess,
and think about a change. What if the kids themselves voice dissatisfaction? That's a little trickier than assessing your own feelings and observations. Depending on the age and the temperament of the children, not to mention other things going on in their lives, the intrusion of a caregiver can be a difficult thing to accept. As long as you feel the sitter in making the attempt to connect, give the situation time. Sometimes a reluctant child will suddenly, after a few months, turn to the nanny and other of the blue say, "I love you." An beware the grass-is -always-greener trap. You may be eyeing your friend's nanny, who's always cheerful, cooks wonderful meals, and is trilingual. But don't assume she's perfect. The nanny may have tics and habits that would drive you crazy. Parents often glorify their caregivers that way they brag about their children. And often it's the newish parents who are on only their first or second nanny who sound off the most. What do they know from comparison? Suddenly they've got childcare! They might as well kiss the ground their nanny walks on. An infatuation or "honeymoon period," about two or three months, can happen even with jaded employers who hire someone new. After the initial getting-to-know-you, working-out-a-routine phase, if things are going smoothly, employers ten to moon over their new nanny. Remember, everyone's on best behavior at first. It can't last. There are bound to be conflicts and run-ins. These, in turn, can get ironed out. It's usually only then that everyone settles into a familiar and comfortable routine. Time however, is a good gauge of how things are going. After six months you should feel that you're able to get along, talk about issues as they arise, and think or at least act together constructively for the sake of the kids. And certainly, by a year you want to feel that you can trust your sitter implicitly in any number of situations, from nurturing a sick kid to keeping a family confidence. If certain problems keep recurring, or things that have been discussed umpteen times aren't changing, then you've go a pretty good picture of the way the relationship will continue. Don't fool yourself into thinking that things will get better. The other party in the mix needs to be accounted for, too. A withdrawn or moody sitter may simply be unhappy in the job. If you sense something's bothering her, it's time to talk. The only way to know may be to come right out and ask, "So how do you think things are going?" If you want to formalize the talk, or talks, set up a monthly meeting (or weekly for that matter) to discuss "company policy" and give her a chance to air grievances. Something that's easy to fix maybe irking or weighing on her, perhaps some little task you've asked her to do. Maybe she'd like to cut back her hours, or she wants more money. In the course of even the most amiable relationships, there are bound to be little negotiations and adjustments all along the way. Copyright 1999 by Susan Carlton and Coco Myers
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