Page 4 "Like A Second Mother"

DIANA: Di and I have managed a relationship for over twenty years, and it really is like a marriage. I know what Di's sore points are, and she knows what my sore points are. We know each other very, very well. I recognize that I need to share with someone certain things that come up with my kids-both the good and the bad, and Di has served that function for me. Most people would go to their mothers on the premise that your mother loves your child in a nonjudgemental way, but my mother is a New Yorker cartoon. She's far more interested in going to the right ball or working for the right museum. But I know that Di loves my children totally and realistically, much in the way that a sister or grandmother would. And she has a perspective that is often broader than mine, especially in the heat of the moment. Something very painful happened in our family about two weeks ago, and I didn't tell any of my friends; I only shared it with Di. I know I can count on her not telling anyone.

Many years ago, Di went through a period where she was in a bad mood, and I finally asked her why. And she said that I often got home from work late. So I took that criticism to heart, and after that, I was always extremely careful to be home on time. So I've learned to be very respectful of her needs. I think it's extremely difficult when you have two women, with two potentially discordant ways of doing things, bringing up children. I figured out early onthat a parent can totally disempower a caretaker by taking over. So I was always very careful that if both of us were in the house, she was in charge. If the kids came to me and said, "Can we do this?" I would ask, "What has Di said?" And if they said, "Di said we can't," then I would say, "Well, then, you can't." 

We had to work through a short period where Christopher wanted to go home with Di, which wasn't real pleasant for me. He would try to follow her car down the driveway, and I was jealous. It's a fine line because you want your children to absolutely adore this person who takes care of them, and at the same time, you want them to adore you more. And you're the one who's getting up with them in the middle of the night, and you're the one they're really bonding with. I've seen relationships between caretakers and children where the children really do prefer the caretaker. And if they hurt their knee, or something, they run to the caretaker. But that was not a relationship I wanted to have. So there was always a fine line. But it didn't really become an issue because I came home in the afternoon and spent a lot of time with my children. We also went through a patchy period where I would come home, and the kids would be acting out like crazy. And Di would say, "Well, they were wonderful till about ten minutes ago." And that's a typical pattern that I've heard a lot about: the kids fall apart the moment they see their mother.

DI: Of course, there were times when Diana and I got a little upset with each other. After being with each other for all those years, it becomes like husband and wife, and we had our little ups and downs. But it always worked out; we'd kiss and we make up. And I would say to her, "You make me feel good by letting me know that you have confidence in me, that you trust me." And I try my best every day to live up to Bob and Diana's expectations of me. They are very kind people, understanding and compassionate. They are all good things-just kind of rolled into one.

When The Vila children were eleven, nine and five, the family moved from Boston to Cape Cod. And Bob Vila, an architect, built a small house for Di so that she could continue to work for the family. 

DI: Within two months, my new house was ready to move into. Bob designed the house, and I adore it. It's just right for me. And he let me pick out the colors, the carpeting-everything. I think he thought: If we build her a little house and make her very happy and comfortable, she's going to be here for a while. [Laughs.] Which is true, because I would never leave my little home. And as long as I'm here, I'll be there for them too.  Domestic work has always been something I enjoy. And for some reason, I've always felt as though I needed to be with this family. I don't understand it; it's like I'm drawn to the children and to Bob and Diana. My parents and my grandparents and my great-grandparents did domestic work, but I am the last one in the family. All of my sisters and my daughters are in different fields. My oldest daughter is a dental hygienist, and my youngest daughter is a bus driver. That's fine for them, but I had to do what I had to do. I am not an educated person. I had to leave school in eighth grade and help raise my younger sisters and, a little later, my stepchildren. Partly because I got married at a very early age, I did not have the opportunities that my sisters and my own children have had. But I can say that I am very proud of what I have been doing for the past twenty years. I've been able to hold my head up high anywhere I go, and I have made a very good name for myself. I'm very proud of that.

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