The Epidemic, by Robert Shaw, M.D.       p.140-144

Where Do We Go from Here?

Humans come into existence with few built-in instructions for how to behave. Cultural evolution has transcended biological evolution as the agent of change. This allows upbringing to be the critical determinant of how children turn out. If children’s minds are like computer hardware, children’s interactions with their parents (and indeed, with the world) are the software. Of course, children come with their own temperaments and reactions, but fundamentally, if a child is raised by cannibals, he will in all probability be a cannibal too. Everything we do teaches our kids something about the nature of life and how to be a human being. As parents, we should constantly ask ourselves, “What does my action in this situation teach my children?” What conclusions will they draw when we give in to their tantrums? What will they conclude when we are inconsistent in our positions regarding homework or bedtime or truthfulness? What conclusion about life will they draw when their existence is all about entertainment or expensive gifts that substitute for loving attention?

Constantly questioning ourselves in this way may sound overwhelming or even impossible. And yet, as is true for every other animal, we know deep down exactly what’s required to raise good kids if we bother to pay attention to our instincts and tune out the distracting, conflicting messages our toxic culture is sending.

There are critical steps parents must take to teach their kids how to live in the world at large. Children learn these lessons when we:

•           Establish Boundaries: Every child needs a code of appropriate behaviors to grow and thrive and fit into society. But contrary to what many parenting gurus are trying to tell us, rules and routines support our children’s development. Parents must know their child, know themselves, and experiment to find the boundaries that work. The cardinal rule: if it doesn’t feel right, don’t do it. And especially don’t let your child do it. If you are in touch with your real feelings and convictions, you will feel confident and good about your decisions and you won’t need to explain them unless you want to do so for teaching purposes. You must create structure for your child, make rules for him, and establish his position relative to yours. If bonding transmits the germ of humanity, boundaries allow children the safe space in which to explore and begin to understand and fit appropriately into their world.

•           Maintain Discipline: There’s an easy way to tell if you’re caught up in the epidemic yourself—the very word “discipline” will sound cruel to you. Disciplining children is out of fashion in American culture today, but children need it in order to be psychologically healthy and happy. Discipline is as much an act of love as cuddles and kisses. The psychological structures that develop from dealing with frustrations and limits teach children to focus on a goal and carry out activities consistent with those goals. At the same time discipline helps them learn how to fit in and accommodate the appropriate demands of life by being able to understand others’ points of view and developing enough of a sense of responsibility to hold down a job. When these traits don’t develop, children become cold, disobedient, and easily disappointed and are more prone to addictions to media or substances. The ordinary pains and frustrations of everyday life overwhelm them, and they are temperamentally unable to meet new challenges.

•           Teach Self-control: The virtues of self-control and the ability to postpone gratification are fundamental to living in the world, but many parents today simply don’t work to pass them on to their children. Frankly, skimping on this aspect of parenting is as neglectful as skipping the polio vaccine. And yet, among many educated, affluent, and concerned parents, placating has taken the place of teaching self-control. A child who gets what she wants by throwing tantrums when young won’t develop the emotional resources to deal with her frustration and boredom and will only become more explosive with time. How will such a child say no to inappropriate behaviors or substances when her peer group invites her to participate?

•           Instill Respect for Others: If children don’t have respect for those in charge at home, they may not have respect for teachers, which compromises their ability to learn, or their employers, which compromises their ability to succeed in the work world. If they don’t have respect for peers, they won’t be socially competent and instead will use destructive strategies like bullying to get their way.

•           Inculcate Moral Values: We’re on the far side of the spiritual parabola, where it isn’t politically correct to consider moral training as central to child-rearing. As a result, children today don’t deeply internalize the distinction between right and wrong, don’t respect the rules, and don’t understand the consequences of immoral, unethical, or illegal action. Parents must find the courage to live every day the values they feel their child should have.

•           Promote a Healthy Degree of Separation: The inculcation of morals is a long process that begins in infancy and continues throughout childhood. As a baby, a child learns to be content alone in his crib, then to play in a safe spot on his own with minimal supervision; eventually he learns the self-control and focus to be allowed to cross the street by himself, to ride his bicycle out of the neighborhood to a friend’s house, and to establish his position in school. The child must learn that rules are part of life and don’t mean he is unloved or unfairly treated. Yet it certainly feels that way to the unsocialized and untrained kid.

•           Establish Appropriate Accountability, Privacy, and Trust: It seems natural to think that kids should enjoy privacy and trust as inalienable rights. These are most definitely not rights, however, but earned privileges, meted out appropriately to the gradually maturing child and maintained by behavior that conforms to family mores. Parents today need to learn the trick of doling out responsibility in age-appropriate ways and rewarding children with trust when they prove they can handle it and understand that they will be held accountable for their actions. For example, when a toddler spills milk accidentally, Mommy smiles understandingly and says, “The milk spilled, let’s clean it up.” But when the child is a little older—say, age four—and breaks a bowl you have forbidden him to touch, he should be taught that:

1. He misbehaved.

2. He did damage.

3. He created a mess that has to be handled.

4. It is his job to clean it up.

Depending on the child’s age, you may help him clean up or not, but you should supervise and see that it is done appropriately so that the child recognizes that his behavior calls forth certain responses from the environment. When a child can make the connection between his behavior and your responses—an ability he will acquire when you respond honestly, promptly, and appropriately—he will learn to control those responses by behaving in accord with the moral and ethical values of his family and society.